Past Visions

You know the American Dream? The white picket fence, two or three bed and bath home, with flowers and a green lawn? For many that is their dream, their end all-be all they want to reach.

I used to dream about living in a condo in a city, on maybe the tenth or fifteenth floor. I would own a very clean and neat living space, having exactly just what I needed to live a comfortable life. I would paint and have live plants around. My main palette would contain a lot of white, blacks, and grays. You know? Things were clean, organized, had their own place.

Outside of the home, I would frequent coffee shops and live in a rainy place, but feel wistful and content the majority of the time. I would work well in an office and have a tight-knit group of friends. I didn’t worry much, if I did, it was over what my next project or event would be. Work, friendships, living, would all be the same throughout time.

A few years ago, that was the way I envisioned my future life to be.

I ask myself questions a lot. It’s healthy to check in with where you’re at. Frequently, I ask myself if I’m happy with my job/life/friendships, if not where can I improve? What do I need to do to be happy?

The last time I felt happy and ecstatic and excited for life would be last September. My new job was going well, I had a relationship with expectations, I had money to save and go out with.

A month ago, I went to a house party and drank vodka. Vodka and I aren’t friends. I always seem to end up over a trash can (or the floor) when I drink it. At this point, I don’t really remember much of the night, but the following morning, I asked the friend who had taken care of me (I’m really fortunate to have friends who will take care of me) what I had said.

I’m apparently not even remotely over the job loss, nor am I over losing that relationship.

Sometimes even checking in on a day-to-day basis won’t help you know where you’re at.

I’m waiting on a call from a therapist┬árecommended to me and look forward to working on some of these issues.

This week, I panicked a little. I had some issues with some post-traumatic stress and found out the medication I switched to will cost $350 next month for a 30-day supply. So, I did the logical thing and spent $90 yesterday. When you make $1,300 a month, $90 is a lot.

I’m nervous because I don’t know what to expect, where things are going, and what the costs will be, both financially and otherwise. I noticed that the number of people I would truly consider as friends, is roughly the same amount of fingers I have. I feel lonely and everything seems difficult and distant. I no longer have a clear idea of what I want.

But it’s important to check in with yourself, because while that cold condo I used to fondly see is gone, I know that tomorrow and the next day will still come. I know there’s hope, even if it can be hard to see.

How have you been feeling lately?


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